All right, so...
This year, I have gone through two huge emotiaonal rollercosters and, as is the case with such things, neither one was pleasent. The year has been bad all around (except one notable exception - G's visit here), and two things stand out the most. In January, my father, whom I adore and who has always been one of the, if not the
most important figure in my life has been diagnosed with liver cancer. He died in June, 4th to be precice. The second thing happened only a week ago: my boyfriend, my partner of the past 12 years, left me.
I don't feel like dwelling too much on either right now. Both were devastating experiances, both shook me to the very core of my being, the wounds are still way too fresh for me to poke them yet again so... I won't. I will jsut say that, yes, I'm wrecked but yes, I'm still kicking. I am mentioning both just to put some things in perspective, because I feel the need to mention them and because of all the ways I could have started this post, I found this to be the best one.
With that out of the way, I will continue to say that I am still shaking like a leaf from being left like this. Both my father and my boyfriend were big parts of my life, from emotional fulfilment to intelectual satisfaction to any number of everyday, common little things, quirks and habits that I loved and enjoyed having in my life. With both those men now gone, each in his own way, there is a whole heckload of empty space left behind and I have yet to fill it with something else.
The thing with filling such gaps, though is this: I did not want for thsoe gaps to appear in the first place. What space there was, I filled with things I wanted there, things dear to me, things that were there because of all the possible things, they fit my personal physical and emotional space the best. Yes, of course that in time, the void will hurt less and less. And of course that all that empty space will eventually be filled with other things instead. Not necessarily better ones, not necessarily worse ones either. Some things, I will never be able to replace or at least, not replace them completelly. Most of it I will fill up again with things that also satisfy me but are different then the things that were there before. And some empty space will always remain empty. Because that's the way things go. I will never have another father, and even if a very father-like figure appears again in my life (it won't, but I'm mentioning it as a hypothetical possibility), he will never, ever be exactly like my father and will never fit my father-shapes spot as fully and as perfectly as my father did. In that sense, some space will forever remain empty because there is nothing but the thing that was once there that can fill it.
So, I sit here, writing all this down with a great sense of emptiness inside. It's... bearable and by now, it does not cloud my thinking, but it nonetheless sets an emotional frame for my toughts and words. I'd still have the same thoughts, but in some other emotional frame, the words, at least, would be different.
Toughts, however, remain as they are. And for this post, not toughts about my father or about my ex-boyfriend (on that note: talking about people who ahve been a part of my life for so long in past tense takes time; it took me a long while to get my self to start talking or even thinking about my dad in past tense and it takes some conscious effort to talk about my ex-boyfriend as an ex
-boyfriend now). Anyway, for this post, the toughts I have are no longer about my father or my ex-bf, though thinking about both of them did spur me into thinking about some other things further. And it is those other things that I feel the need to talk/write about. I say "things", but what I really mean is "me".
Because, among other things, one of the reasons for our breakup was the lack of mutual understanding. And by that I don't mean the general, mundane "we couldn't understand each other" situation.Quite to the contrary, we did, and still do, understand each other very intimatelly and very deeply. However, some things we obviously failed to notice, failed to understand completelly and thus, failed to understand one another's current, past and future toughts and positions.
That is what spurred my current chain of toughts (jumbled and full of digressions as it will likely turn out to be), and I took it from there and expanded it further, beyond my ex and our breakup and applied it to people around me in general.( Collapse )